Subject to last issue’s expose, the Ryen Dwivedy saga continues: our luckless Sports Rep has apparently secluded himself from going out in a bid to purge the reputation accumulated from past incidents. Misfortune still befalls him, however, in the form of a joint Decanal summons and fine for his attempted illegal trafficking of people into College during the last Bop. That’s £20 he won’t see again.

The much anticipated OUSU elections have been postponed a week. Approximately twelve people mourned. Maybe even fourteen.

New College students rallied before the JCR widescreen last week in support of Fresher Tom Cappleman’s TV appearance on the well-loved student staple of Countdown. Tom came head-to-head against the legendary Carol Vorderman in one of her last appearances on the series: surely something to tell the grandchildren?

The Physics curry provided a romping night of wanton debauchery for us all to discuss. The sexual leviathan of Chris Apps proved irresistible to many fresh-faced Physics First Years, yet even he could not match up to potent force of John March-Russell, New College Fellow, tutor and apparent party-animal, who was spotted grinding it down at Park End in the company of his students. James Symonds, however, failed to deliver.

Yath Gangakumaran, king of chat-up lines, came face-to-breast with the big-bapped English Rose that is Jodie Marsh at a club after her appearance at an Oxford Union debate. Despite not being present at the debate, his gushing praise for her performance earned him a kiss on the cheek. Not satisfied with this, however, he returned later, this time asking her what she thought of ‘manly hairbands’. She replied “hot”. We rather think not.

Student crowds at the lodge during Thursday lunchtime were parted to make way for a Mystery European Diplomat of some description. Some whisper the black sedan was transporting none other than the President of Lithuania, others the premier of perhaps Slovenia or Slovakia. Exactly why he chose New College as a venue for his “conference” is also shrouded in diplomatic mystery.

The drunken haze of post-Scholars’ Dinner cleared to reveal a scene of devastation in the SCR: it appears some ‘Commoners’ snuck in after the meal, leaving the place trashed, wineglasses smashed, and making off with several bottles of whisky and other suitably pricey spirits. Culprits are suspected to have been drunk at the time, wearing inferior black sack-like gowns that did not billow

Christmas comes early for Anna Griffiths as her long-standing childhood wish of being mentioned ‘In Other News’ finally comes true. Someone’s been a good girl this year…