News of Ben Karlin’s recent engagement has raised a serious question: might Matthew Ranger be inspired to follow the example of his predecessor and seek out his true love? Perhaps, although given his newfound status as something of a ‘sugar daddy’ amongst the Freshers, active searching may not be necessary.

First, however, there is clearly work to be done. New boxers must be purchased (“you know, proper ones” essential to “make my penis look big”), the tendency to take pictures down girls’ tops (or up their skirts, or their armpits for that matter) must be curbed and the propensity to throw girls into hedges ditched.

The lucky girl will have to have certain attributes. Good grammar is essential. Ranger swoons at correct usage of semi-colons and gerunds; but at the sniff of a preposition at the end of a sentence, or the use of ‘who’ rather than ‘whom’, he runs away as quickly as his over-large trainers can carry him. Ginger hair is often a hit (he likes to match), particularly if teamed with a Dr Who costume – it helps him to give a girl an ‘out of this world’ experience. A tendency to make animal noises is also a definite bonus.

But with luck (and a bit of work) such a girl can be found; who knows, perhaps she’ll arrive in the Tardis… (and there’s a semi colon for you, Ranger).