Studying for a Bachelor of Darts
New College Darts report: some hardcore investigative journalism to follow. I’d have to go into deep cover, spend months assuming a false identity so that I could expose the dark underbelly of corruption, gambling and performance-enhancing drugs that are only thinly veiled by the glamour and gloss of our sporting idols.
I was, therefore, disappointed (although relieved) when the facts of the New College Darts Club (NCDC) became apparent. Everyone’s nice, no-one’s using steroids, and our beloved team currently languish in Division Four of the Oxford University Darts Club (OUDC), alongside such giants as Pembroke II and Queen’s II. Historically, things haven’t been too hot for the NCDC; a year ago a Newt article was published on the sad demise of the darts team, the distressing disbandment of a promising squad. Yet now, it is back in action, the players in full swing, and their enthusiasm far exceeding what would normally be reasonable. It must be conceded that recent events have not been going the Darts Club’s way: they have lost every one of their matches this season. Also, there was the failed JCR motion, in which they were cruelly denied coveted matching kits. This travesty came much to the consternation of those closely allied to the sport (it also deprived us of great embroided nicknames, Thenuhan ‘The Thenderbolt’ Premaruban being a true classic).
So if they barely exist, they’re a bit rubbish, and they don’t get any free stuff, what’s the attraction of playing? In short, it’s not really about the darts. It seems the two most integral parts of the NCDC are social drinking, and the banter with the other team. Fuelled by an intense, tribal college pride, the sport seems as much about putting your opponent off by insulting them as it is perfecting your own technique. Talking to self-styled star player Tom Slocombe, he described his favourite moment of the season so far. Far from being a mega 180, or a determined fight back, it was when he “nearly made a guy cry” by verbally abusing him. It should be noted that this isn’t just a New College thing, all of the teams do it, and it’s part of the Oxford game, apparently. There just doesn’t seem anything better than picking on the superficial characteristics of someone you’ve only just met, and then exploiting their weaknesses until they feel disgustingly self-conscious. Gorgeous.
They play weekly, and new players are welcome. The only prerequisites seem to be a willingness to give up a Wednesday night (matches are long, due to the standard of play), a positive demeanour in the face of violent chants, and a fondness for beer: dart-throwing ability is not the main concern. To get involved with playing or supporting, get in touch with darting (and drinking) legend Tom Parfitt.
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Ben West introduces us all to the “sport” of darts
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Wouldn’t this article have been better if it had been written by an ACTUAL DARTS PLAYER? Perhaps then the article may have been factually correct. For instance, Then’s nickname is simply “Then der Bolt” which not only sounds like a genuine Dutch name but, if pronounced correctly, sounds like “thunderbolt”. Such errors hardly insipre confidence in the integrity of the author’s intended message - which, incidentally, seems to be derogatory about drinking, darts, banter and fun in general.
Also, historically New College Darts has been strong, as recently as the year before last (ie the year before the author applied to university) we were high up in Division 1. Unfortunately incompetence on the part of one individual (Parfitt?) meant we didn’t enter a team last year so that now we do have a team we have to start at the bottom ie Division 4. Rome wasn’t built in a day but NCDC will be up at the top very soon. I hear Andy Fordham, Phil Taylor and Raymond van Barneveld have been offered scholarships for 2 year Pub Management courses to speed up this process.
Thanks for your input Mr Rawstron. Here at the Newt, we take both darts and our articles very seriously and we are very disappointed to hear that you weren’t 100% happy with the article. All that I can say is that, due to the popularity of darts as a sport, we may well have to reformat our sports section, removing ‘Football Update’ and replacing it with ‘Darts Update’. If this is the case, then I shall personally seek out an acitve member of NCDC to write a more fitting article.
It was with mixed feelings that I received Mr Rawstron’s comments: it is always pleasurable when a man of such sporting prowess responds in any way to a sports journalist. However, I must answer some of the perfectly valid queries and criticisms that ‘Razor’ has fielded, that have caused me such anguish over the past few minutes.
The article in question was not in anyway intended to be “derogatory about drinking, darts, banter and fun in general” - in fact (aside from yours) all of the feedback I have received has been positive, and interest in darts (especially among Freshers) has risen. First Years are the future of darts, and I think that the current NCDC should be proud that such a great significance has been placed on this ’sport’: the fact that I cared enough to actually investigate the history and culture of the NCDC demonstrates the fervour and anticipation that surround this most gracious of the BASPANCO (BAr SPorts Association of New COllege) past times.
I also refute the insinuation in your last paragraph that youth and inexperience should be some sort of barrier to involving oneself in darts: the inspirational story of Jelle ‘Young Matador’ Klaasen, youngest ever winner of the World Darts Championship (aged 21 years, 90 days on 15/01/06), applies to grass roots sports too.
The debacle concerning the erroneous nickname (dubbed ‘Thendergate’ by some), on the other hand, is indeed deeply embarrassing. I can only apologise for any offence caused to the parties involved, and I shall strive to better source out authorities for any facts included in any articles I have the unlikely privilege of composing in the future. I am also sorry if this did not “insipre [sic] confidence” in my underlying message: darts is great.
It is also heartening to obtain such a wholehearted and full endorsement by the Sports Editor.