Having just had a gander at New College MCR’s Christmas list, I now fear that Mr and Mrs Claus will be quite a bit busier than usual this year. Generous old Uncle Willy, who lives in Wykeham, has given the MCR an IOU for the Weston Buildings. Not quite content with such a thoughtful gift, an additional set of demands was drawn up at the MCR’s Termly General Meeting last week.

The MCR first started stamping their little feet and throwing their spaghetti hoops all over the place because they are not allowed to stay up late drinking Ribena and making farting noises with their armpits in the Spoom. Now they are being allowed to turn the pavilion into their playroom, but they want an extra TV room where they can watch CBeebies in peace, as well as a separate IT room with printing and photocopying facilities, so that they can print off massive pictures of Zac Efron and photocopy their bottoms after one too many E-numbers. There was even talk of a music room, but they have decided that the ocarinas and glockenspiels could probably be kept in a corner of the playroom, beside the Lego.

Concerns that the squash courts would be “horribly noisy” during their afternoon naps were answered with a promise from Uncle Willy that the windows would be bricked up. The Warden hopes that the rickets-stricken squash players of New College will become a lucrative tourist attraction, thus providing the substantial sum of money required to refurbish the pavilion and convert the loft into a den.

Upon hearing of Uncle Willy’s munificence, the JCR also wrote a lengthy Christmas list. Consequently, Santa’s elves will be installing Turkish baths in the cloisters and an infinity pool on top of the bell tower, both of which should be finished in time for the first bop of Hilary Term. The Garden Quad will be turned into a wetland where pygmy hippopotami may wallow and widdle freely. Members of the JCR may also choose to wallow and widdle freely in the aforesaid wetland. An adventure playground will surround the Mound, finally allowing for the creation of Obstacle Course Cuppers. New will inevitably win this event and celebrate in its 24-hour Absolut Icebar – a perpetually open bar, in every sense. Finally, an exact replica of Buckingham Palace will be built in the Old Quad. It is decreed that in this slightly downscaled, splendid abode Matthew Ranger shall live forevermore, waited upon by lilac-eyed eunuchs and dexterous penguins.

In contrast, most members of the SCR have said that all they want for Christmas is two false front teeth.