As a man completely devoid of any footballing passion/ability, I felt it necessary to delve into the tribal underbelly of NCAFC, to see what it was all about. Apparently its partially about some sort of Roman numeral thrusting frenzy (an unusual version of 21’s), a gateway into the potential lovemaking styles of some of New College’s finest. Yath’s surprisingly tender VIII (a hip-shaking V and three caressing forward thrusts) in stark contrast to Ryen Dwivedy’s “inexperienced” XIII (a confused affair with questionable delays) and Sever’s unending Roman numerical assault. It’s also about peer pressure, and as appropriate on an open mic night, drinking fines were hastily replaced with “give us a tune”, led by a heart-warming “Whole New World” from Burnham and Sever, and some surprise talent in the form of the “Toxic” John Cordle/Britney Spears.

And so onto dinner, hosted by Kashmir. This upper class Jamals failed to stop Sean from sconcing anyone “supposed to be serving our fucking food but actually standing around”, and comments about lost jumpers and being hit on by Yath. As the crowd stumbled out and onwards to The Duke, Tes and I made the bad move of tracking Dom. This inevitably ended in a forest, which our guide promptly vanished into (ironically this turned out to be the right way). My priorities quickly shifted from learning about football, to looking for exits in case a stranger (perhaps a lost Parfitt) shouted “surprise banana sex”.

Help came in the form of the nice, if slightly scared, residents of 72 Gipsy Lane, providing much-needed toilet relief and directions. Back onto the path of NCAFC, the trail led a surprisingly quiet Pleasuredome, which has halved in size since my last visit, where the women’s team (far from the burly brewsters I imagine) were being mobbed in a bizarre mating ritual. And some Brookes people did a funny little dance. So what did I learn from my experience? Football has very little to do with kicking things into nets. It’s just a lash, and I’m sold.

And…

In other sport, the Men’s Rugby team have enjoyed mixed fortunes, beating Exeter 39-0 before losing their unbeaten record with a 26-0 loss to Jesus. The Men’s Pool team are sitting pretty at the top of the First Division. Last match is on Thursday; fingers crossed…